It takes nothing to fool those around you, but you can never fool yourself.

A person who calls herself a writer but doesn’t write…

I can easily end this with the first paragraph and blame it on ‘writer’s block’, after all I have no one to answer to. I am the boss of me. I can say this for a fact, it is actually way much easier and uncomplicated to give up on a thing than seeing it to completion.

I do not have a projection for how I want this piece to shape out but this is just me, sitting infront of my laptop, going over what I want to say, and commiting to publishing after what seems like ages.

Being accountable to myself regardless of how I feel about the way my hands are hesistating to move around my keypad. It is true that when you have been quiet for a long time, you no longer know how to speak. So you begin the learning process, all over again.

I hate to admit it, but I have been struggling.

Struggling with life, struggling with myself, struggling with joy, struggling with my commitment to God, just struggling, internally if i might add, because I wake up every morning and not even I can tell that I am struggling. But I know this because it feels as if a switch got flipped to ‘OFF’.

A certain zest. I do not know how to put it.

Or maybe it was turned off so that I could question how I had been living my life all this while because I have suddenly become a cynic.

I am constantly questioning myself and everything I do or set out to do.

Why is my life going in the same circle? Why am I taking such a huge leap of faith? Why am I suddenly feeling stuck in my job? Why am I unable to know what I want for my future? Why do I worry so much about the whys and what-ifs? Why do I never want to rush into things? Why does love, relationship, marriage scare me to death? Why is my career important to me? Why is my career not progressing as much as I envisioned it would? Why is family important to me? Why am I earning enough to sort my bills but not enough to chase my dreams? Why does it feel as if God is silent? Doesn’t God love me anymore? Why is my mom still paralyzed after all the prayers? Why am I unable to go after the things my heart desires? Why do I let the ‘nos’ and ‘it doesn’t happen to people like me’ weigh me down? etc., etc.,

So many whys and yet no answers. Like I said, I have become a cynic.

Even as I type, there is a nudge to stop typing and just pray to God about it. However, I am lost and do not even know how or where to start. Would God even answer? I mean, I have been as quiet as a grave yard. Also, it sorts of feel and taste like hypocrisy. You know. First, I go on to tell the world about this turmoil I feel inside and now I want to speak to God about it so everyone would think me and God are cool.

A part of me, I think the more sensible part is asking me to just do it. God is still God and nothing I do comes as a shock to him. I have done far worse than sharing an intimate secret with others rather than him being the first to know.

It gets better is what I keep telling myself. I have to outwork the self doubt and the cynicism. I have to work through the whys and get to the “now you have it figured out, keep it moving”.

After all, you don’t become confident by shouting affirmations in the mirror, but by having a stack of undeniable proof that you are who you say you are. — Alex Hormozi

Maybe I should start by tagging this Day 1 of an unknown number of days for a writing challenge.

If I call myself a writer, I should be able to start something without waiting for inspiration right?.

#writingchallenge #writer #day1